We see it almost every other day. We log onto social media and see a “friend” (because let’s be real we’re not actually friends with everyone we follow on social media) bashing her baby daddy again! He doesn’t see his kids, he doesn’t give her any money, he can’t hold a job, he’s broke – BLAH BLAH BLAH. Then you read the comments and you see a gang of other angry baby mamas who all leave their two cents in agreement, “GIRRRLLL, I feel you! My sperm donor ain’t sh*t either!”
And to be honest, I’ve been that girl. There was a time (years ago) where I was so mad and angry about something my children’s father did or said that I decided to be super mature about the situation and spread all our business for the entire world to see (hint the sarcasm). Did it give me a temporary feeling of satisfaction? Yes. But did it solve anything? NO. In fact, it caused more drama.
It’s no lie that some baby daddies can be assholes. Especially if you’re using the term baby daddy or sperm donor, I’m willing to bet that he’s probably not doing his job right as a father. You’re probably the one busting your butt seven days out of the week. You’re probably the one that’s providing for your children. You’re probably the one looking for a babysitter so that you can continue to provide for them. You’re probably the one paying all the bills. You’re probably the one who doesn’t get a break. Meanwhile, he is getting to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I get it! You’re the one doing all the work when clearly it took TWO to make a baby. But before you get on social media to vent out your frustrations about your co-parenting relationship (or any relationship for that matter) ask yourself these questions first…
Am I 100% done with the relationship?
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve seen a mother blast her baby daddy on Facebook and then post a picture of them together the next day with heart emojis and a caption that reads, “Bonnie and Clyde #RideorDie” Seriously?! Did you or did you not just say last week that he was a deadbeat?! If you’re going to take him back after he apologizes for whatever he did wrong, you probably should reconsider before you bash him on social media. You can delete the status, but believe me – there are screenshots for days. Not to mention, you look extremely unstable, crazy and just plain stupid.
Is this something I would want my children to see or repeat?
Your kids should be your main concern, not what he is or isn’t doing. Children feed off your vibes. If you’re happy, they feel it. If you’re sad, they feel it. So, if you’re constantly giving off negative energy, guess what? They feel that too. Even though you may think you’re not doing them any harm because you’re just venting online and they can’t see it – they can sense your resentment. Something as small as a sarcastic comment or a look of annoyance on your face when mentioning your ex/BD in front of your kid(s) CAN and WILL have an impact. Your children will grow up and formulate their own opinion of him, without your intervention. If he’s a horrible father, trust me they will see it in due time without your two cents.
Will this make him look crazy… or me?
10 times out of 10, the answer is you. Even though he’s the one in the wrong and everything you’re saying about him is 100% true – at the end of the day, he’s not the one who’s posting negative things about you. So who really ends up looking more mature in this situation? HIM! Don’t do him that favor. Remember that saying we teach our kids? If you don’t have anything nice to say… (you know the rest). That still applies even in adulthood! When you publicly bash him you end up looking like the bitter baby mama who can’t move on. What you put on the internet (yes even if you delete it) is out there forever. Is that something you really want your family, friends and future employers to know about you? Do you want to be known as the crazy baby momma who can’t get over her ex or who’s always throwing shade at her BD?
Do I really want everyone to know my business?
One thing the internet shouldn’t be used for is to air out your dirty laundry. If he’s really a deadbeat, people will know without you blasting it to the world. Let his actions speak louder than your words. If you need a place to vent about how your BD now has 5 kids that he doesn’t take care of and is dating someone else, call your best friend or do us all a favor and invest in a journal.
Will posting this change the fact that he’s still the father of my children?
Regardless of what the situation is between you and your BD – at one point, YOU chose HIM. I highly doubt you willingly chose a loser to be the father of your children. And if you did, you knew what you were signing up for. So whether it lasted 3 years or one minute, at one point, he was exactly what you wanted. And if it wasn’t for that loser, you wouldn’t even have that precious son or daughter that you can’t imagine life without.
Will posting this make him change his ways?
Bashing your BD gets absolutely nothing accomplished. All it does is makes you look childish and even though your intentions were to embarrass him and have everyone hate him just as much as you do – you’re probably the one who should be embarrassed. I’m sure he is a selfish deadbeat bum-ass loser who doesn’t do for his kids, but you posting about it doesn’t fix it or change it. No matter how many statuses you post and tag him in, that’s not going to make him wake up and decide to change his ways. In fact, it just might push him away more.
Like I said, I’ve been there before so I am speaking 110% from experience. Shoutout to Facebook Memories for reminding me how immature I was, but also how far I’ve come. I only wish I had someone back then telling me that the way you choose to present others speaks more about you than the person you are speaking on.
As mothers, it’s natural for us to get extremely emotional and upset when we feel like someone isn’t doing right by our children, especially if it’s by their own flesh and blood. But it’s also our job as mothers to lead by example and as hard as it may be, sometimes that means taking the higher road and being the bigger person. Don’t allow your children’s father (or ANYONE for that matter) to push you to the point where you stoop down to their level of immaturity and insecurity. You have to make sure that you’re always doing YOUR best to ensure that your child is secure and loved, regardless if the father chooses to participate or not.
So the next time he pisses you off or does something dumb, please take 5 minutes to ask yourself the above questions. If your answer is NO to any of them – don’t post it! Instead call a trustworthy friend you feel comfortable confiding in, write it out, listen to “No Scrubs” by TLC, do whatever you have to do to release your anger EXCEPT hitting that post button!
And most importantly, remember that your child has YOU as a mom and at the end of the day that’s the only thing you have the power over. They may not see it now, but they will thank you for it later & you’ll thank yourself.
Aerica at Mother I’d Like 2 Follow
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