8 Simple Rules For The Car Rider Line

The car rider line can be enough to ruin a day (I’m speaking from personal experience). With school being in session for a little over a month now, I don’t see why I am still experiencing so much lack of common sense when it comes to picking up and dropping off my kid. Which is why I have decided to create 8 Simple Rules for the Car Rider Line to help make the process that much easier. So, whether you’re a new parent to the car rider line, or the asshole in the white Toyota Camry with the 17 bumper stickers (by the way, I know your license plate number and if you cut me off again, I will follow you home), then this is for you.

Please note: These rules are in no specific order, they are all of equal importance. Please read carefully.

Rule #1: The car rider line is ALWAYS a single file line.

Explanation: If you don’t know what a single file line means then perhaps you should go back to elementary school with your kid. It does me no good to get there on time if 15 cars want to cut in front of me from the other lane. If you can’t get in the line right, maybe you should consider putting little Sally and Bobby on the bus. I’m sure you don’t want someone cutting in front of you, so don’t do it to someone else. Please, let’s try to act more mature than the children you’re picking up/dropping off.

Rule #2: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get out of the car.

Explanation: Do not get out of the car for ANY reason. This includes getting out of the car to wave Sally down as if she doesn’t know what kind of car you drive or as if she forgot she was a car rider. Do not get out of your car to take pictures. Do not get out of the car to open the door for Bobby. And certainly, DO NOT put your car in park to walk Sally or Bobby to the door or hold their hand. Some of us do not want to sit in the car rider line all freaking day! Back in your vehicle ma’am, you’re holding up the line! #FixItJesus

Rule #3: We did not sign up for a free concert.

Explanation: We do not want to hear your loud obnoxious music or your off-key singing. This is not American Idol, but if forced I will be Simon Cowell. Roll your windows up or turn your music down. Please and thank you!

Rule #4: Stay off your cell phone.

Explanation: When the line starts moving stay off your phone so that you can actually pay attention (yes, it does move eventually). If you hit my kid or my car, because you were snap chatting another butterfly filtered selfie, I’m pretty sure I will catch a case.

Rule #5: Plan ahead and make it quick.

Explanation: The people behind you do not want to wait for you to kiss little Sally on the cheek or make sure that Bobby remembered to bring his lunch box. All that shit should be done before you leave the house. Likewise, if Sally and Bobby cannot unbuckle their own seat belt, put on their own backpack and require 25 kisses, 17 hugs and 153 “I love yous” before they can get out the car, then I also suggest the park and walk method.

Rule #6: No one wants to talk to you.

Explanation: Do not strike up a conversation with the teachers, volunteers or staff in the car rider line. Do not ask Mrs. Johnson how little Sally is doing on her sight words and do not ask Mr. Smith if little Bobby has been running in P.E. That’s not what they are there for. Save that shit for the parent-teacher conference. I guarantee they don’t want to talk to you. What they really want is for you to get the hell on just as much as the rest of us behind you want you to shut the hell up.

Rule #7: Do not sit and wait.

Explanation: If you can’t trust little Sally to walk from point A to point B, then you need to park and walk them into the school yourself. If you are afraid of stranger danger, within 5 feet of the school doors, then you also need to park and walk Sally into the school yourself. Case closed.

Rule #8: Your kid is not special.

Explanation: If you hold up the line because little Sally and Bobby must get out the car at the spot closest to the school entrance, then I am liable to curse you the hell out. Your kid is not any more special than the rest of the kids and if they can’t walk an extra 10 steps then maybe you should consider home-schooling.

You see, it’s that simple people. I promise if you follow these guidelines the car rider line will be that much more enjoyable. Because I know it’s already your favorite part of the day, right?!